From the Ashes

I started firebird yoga because when I think of my life over the last year and a half, it has been composed of a series of ego decimations. Each time my ego has been destroyed I have found a way to scrap together the remaining pieces of myself and to find a way to go on. In my mind I am the mythical Pheonix, continually obliterated and then reborn from the ashes. I was raised on Russian folklore so when I think of the phoenix, an image of the firebird always comes to my mind. With yoga, this seems apt. While the firebird looks much like the Phoenix, the tale of the firebird as one involving a quest. In yoga, we continually quest.

In yoga, our quest is the search for Atman, the divine within. I spent most of the last year kicking and screeching along my quest. I kept asking, "Since I am a yoga teacher, why is this so hard?" I beat myself up, each time letting the ego take the front seat. I kept fighting to restore order to my life. I kept beating myself up for failing to do so.

At a certain point, the disparity between my quest and my reality became apparent. The harder I fought to maintain a facade, the harder I struggled to remain the person I had created in my mind. it was only when I stepped back and finally asked, "Is this really me?" that I found I had long been denying my true self, rather than finding it.

It was with relief that I realized that I could part with the self I had fabricated. Nowdays, people often don't know quite what to make of me. I am continually singing and dancing. I act on the fringe and some folks look at me like I am crazy. That no longer matters. At last, I am my authentic self.